Last night my parents had me drive them to a support group for parents who have lost children. I told them I would drive them but would be waiting in the car, because I felt like I was in a strong place lately and didn’t want to disrupt my peace. But as I parked I recalled the period just after Shauna passed, I myself was the first who attended this very group, and I remember every emotion I felt that night, I was a wreck. As my parents got out of the car I decided I would just go in with them and listen, that the fact that I could now sit in that chair among that same group of people having new found strength and outlook could be therapeutic for myself and possibly others. As I sat through the meeting last night I once again had many emotions, in fact I believe I experienced the many different stages of grief within that two hour period. One emotion I felt was so much resentment for the fact that we (my family) had to be “one of them” then resentment for the fact that any of those kind hearted people had to be in the situation their in as well. I felt an overwhelming feeling that I just wanted to get out of there!! I wanted to run out of that room, that church, that city, that state, this world, to escape this bullshit! But then I heard my dad speak up in the group to say, “you take bits and pieces from these meetings that help you and leave behind what doesn’t” he went on to recall a time when he gave Shauna some advice when she was going through a difficult time. When this happened I cried, seeing my parents feel so much pain, I didn’t want to escape anymore because I didn’t want to leave my parents. I now temporarily feel okay with everything, I tell myself life is unexpected none of us asked to be here, nobody said it would be fair, or easy, or how long we would have, everything will be okay. One day at a time..
Written March 2015
I sit here on the moist lawn of the cemetery where the lives of those once lived now lay to rest for eternity. Today is my birthday, but it is meaningless. What is the point of celebrating birth when we’re constantly working towards death. I hate to be a pessimist but that is reality. I sit here staring at the graves of 3 people who have lead some of the most important roles in my life. I remember the life they lead, some were short journeys some long, none the less they were journeys. I ponder my journey and wonder when mine will cease. But I’m learning that I cannot focus on the end of the journey, nor the beginning, I can only focus on where I am presently in my journey. These three people taught me a lot and continue to teach me the most important lessons in life, they made me grow and learn so much more than I ever imagined. Although the loss of them has been devastating, the loss has been what has taught me the most important lessons yet. I would trade in those lessons in a heartbeat to have them back here with me once more, just one last hug, one last laugh, one last memory. I envy those who have never felt such misery, oh how I would rather be nieve and ignorant to those lessons I’ve learned. But I’m not and they’re gone. I miss them more than I can ever say, I may not speak much about the grief to those around me but it is there, like a dark pit of emptiness that was once filled with happiness and love. My journey now is to fill that void with things that bring me joy. Today will be hard without my sister, but I remember her as she was and long to see her again.
This process is so complex. I cannot articulate these emotions well into words. At times I have a great appreciation for life and feel empowered, then other times I feel so broken that I truly don’t see the point of anything. What the fuck is the point of living, it is so painful. Before losing my sister I held hope that there was more to life that we couldn’t comprehend, that there was something after this. But now I truly believe that once we die that’s it. Humans have complicated things so much, it’s really not that deep. I think society needs religion and to believe in something after life, to make them feel like there is a purpose (to get them though life). There is nothing wrong with that, it keeps people somewhat sane…I just wish I could have that same faith. Lately I feel so consumed by anger, an emotion so dark. I loath feeling angry, hopefully it will soon pass. The anger is towards many different people and circumstances. I feel angry at my sister for leaving us. Anger towards my parents for all the things they put her/us through in the past and the things they put me through since she has passed. Anger towards my boyfriend and friends for not reaching out to me and not trying to empathize. Anger towards my step dad for being the piece of shit he has always been and for not attending the funeral. And anger towards my sisters friends for not being better friends to her and for moving on with their lives. Much of this anger is irrational, logically I know this. But I can’t help but to feel all of it. I always considered myself a strong person. Life hasn’t always been easy even before this, but it was my life and that’s what I was dealt, I didn’t hold onto much anger, I just used my circumstances to strive to become a better person. But since this, I feel completely helpless and hopeless. I cannot understand why some people live easier lives than others, why do so many bad things happen to one person…and good people at that.? I try so hard to stay strong and positive, for myself and my family. But I’m tired. I am tired of being the strong one, I wish someone could be strong for me. Times like this is when I really miss my grandma, and wish she was here to simply hug me. xo
After the loss of my sister I reluctantly attended support groups as well as continued to see my therapist. I was a zombie looking for help and guidance, during these sessions I accumulated a great deal of reading material based on how to deal with grief, the different phases and how to understand/cope with these phases. I was introduced to a whole world information that once did not apply to me.
It is said that there are 5 stages of grief:
Don’t be misled by the number 5, this does NOT mean that you go through these stages in order and once you have felt each of them then you are done with grief. You may feel all of these stages multiple times (possibly for a very long time) in a variety of orders, and you may also skip stages completely. No matter which way you put it, it’s “normal”(…a weird word to use after going through a tragic event).
My sister passed suddenly just 7 months ago at the age of 27, I cannot believe it has been 7 months when it truly feels like yesterday. Which is why there is no time frame put on grief. So far I have felt all of these stages and I have revisited all of them multiple times.
As a young child we depend on our elders; parents, and grandparents, etc. We have trust in these people that they will love and protects us from this big bad world which is so foreign to us. The things we experience as a child shape the type of adults we will become and ultimately what the future of this world will be. So why are people’s childhoods so fucked up? As I get older the reality of who these trusted individuals truly are has hit me like a ton of bricks, especially this last year as my life has been turned upside down in a way I would never have thought possible. As I grew up I realized my grandparents abused their children, cheated and left their families. Parents cheated, lied, manipulated and used the children as pons in their selfish schemes. The divorce, the new marriage, new home, custody battle, new family, disappointment, and hurt was all for them, not for the kids. None of these people are perfect, why? Because just that, they are all people. We are all people who didn’t ask to be born into this world, but we were. We are just living through trial and error attempting to make our way through this difficult life. So nothing is as it seemed, but can we really be angry about it? Can we really hold these people accountable?